With a December general election all but confirmed, it appears the British people, overcome with festive cheer, look set to elect the rebranded ‘Blue Santa,’ Boris Johnson, as their national leader.
Whilst previously the Conservatives had struggled to connect with younger voters, it appears Boris’ creepy geniality, the defining characteristic of any self-respecting Santa impersonator, has won over those previously put off by his plans to deepen the climate catastrophe, cripple the national economy and inspire fresh waves of xenophobia.
Indeed, The Whip was able to speak to the BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg earlier today, who outlined the number of strategic advantages gained by Boris in his pursuit of such a seasonal election.
“Well, there’s two big advantages,” Kuenssberg began, “firstly, he’s got an abundance of pithy slogans to choose from – ‘all I want for Christmas is blue,’ ‘tis the season to be racist’ and ‘the krautcracker,’ for instance.
“Secondly, Jeremy Corbyn, whilst visibly ahead in the beard stakes, is likely to be deemed too skinny to properly fulfil the role. I seriously doubt whether his family own enough deer as well. Furthermore, sources tell me he was arrested for demonstrating against Christmas in 1982, so it’s a win win for Mr. Johnson really.”
We wait to see if master strategist Dominic Cummings has indeed done it again.