‘Greta Rave’ to ban exhalation in bid to cut down carbon footprint

In a show of absolute commitment to their own cause, organisers of the ‘Greta Thunberg Rave for the Future’ have announced that ordinary, carbon-producing respiratory processes fall short of their rigorous environmental standards.

This ban represents the latest instalment on a lengthy list of eco-conscious moves from the club-night’s organisers: “We also decided strobe lights would be a bit too energy consuming so instead we’ve hired a Vietnamese child to continually blow out and relight a candle for 40p an hour. It should have the same effect.” The confetti canon has also been substituted for a vegan throwing a single piece of paper directly into a recycling bin.

While it remains unconfirmed whether Ms Thunberg herself will be DJing on the night, the organisers have assured fans that mixes will exclusively contain Greta’s favourite musical combination of full-blooded Scandinavian Eurodance and the sound of growing trees, “whether your tipple is Basshunter or Birch, this night is sure to excite your earholes.”

Nonetheless, despite this pulsing joviality, the organisers are keen to inject a string of awareness-raising pathos into the evening: “Ice cubes will be made from the tears of dejected polar bears to remind club-goers that polar bears rarely, if ever, rave and mostly, if always, die.”

Ticket sales are presumed to be going well, and it is rumoured that several high-profile names are on the guest list – magician David Blane contacted The Whip to excitedly commend the exhalation ban saying, “Finally, the club night for me.”

While it should be a wonderful evening, organisers have warned that if the world ends prior to the event no refunds will be allocated.