The Whip is sad to report that UoM student and metal straw user Teresa Chambers has pat herself on the back with such force that she has critically damaged her spine.
According to her physician, Chambers began putting herself at risk when she started calling herself ‘The new Greta Thunberg’, but the final straw was the metal one that she had recently acquired from the SU’s Zero Waste shop.
News of Chambers’ condition has spread, causing some controversy amongst local business owners. “I personally think she deserved it.” said the owner of Phineas Phelps’ Plastic Straws Emporium, nonchalantly shoving a plastic bag down a turtle’s throat. “It’s about time those hippies suffered instead of me for a change. People often blame me for things, but that’s just an example of a classic straw-man argument.”
Doctors are working hard to repair Chambers’ back, but worry that the recent atrophying of her arms, caused by not lifting drinks to her mouth, will add further complications.