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Council unwilling to light up Hyde Park to prevent muggings happy to do so to memorialise death of 400-year-old anti-monarchist rebel

“At the end of the day, we just don’t really care.”

Guy Fawkes Night is many things. For some it is seen as the start of winter and, more annoyingly, the Christmas season; by others it is used as a way to relieve testosterone fuelled angst and sexual frustration through pyromania; but most importantly it is a day when a nation can come together to reaffirm their love for an unelected monarchy and a hatred toward those who attempt to oppose it.

This sentiment is mirrored by Leeds City Council, choosing to only illuminate Hyde Park on the day specifically designated to celebrate the death of a 400-year-old anti-monarchist rebel, rather the other 364 days of the year where the park is unsafe for students to walk through after dusk.

The Whip contacted a spokeswoman from the council to understand their reasoning.

“At the end of the day, we just don’t really care. Students aren’t proper residents of Leeds, so why should we spend money to look after them?

“Yes, I know it makes complete and total sense,” continued the spokeswoman, carving ‘Death To The Rebels’ on a plaque above the Guy Fawkes effigy.

“And we know it is a short-term investment for long-term benefits (both on policing expenditure and crime numbers), but like I said, we’d just rather spend the money on Catherine wheels and rockets.

“And anyway, we handed out some free torches at the Student Union to we’ve basically done all we can do.”

The spokeswoman swiftly departed, leaving nothing but a trail of gunpowder, whilst our reporter was forced to walk back through the business school for fear of getting mugged.

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