Cash-strapped students throw bin-fire night

Short of money but not of ideas, one set of Bristol students, shivering in their barely mediocre Redland residence, have come up with a novel way to celebrate this year’s Bonfire Night, by lighting a spectacular bin fire.

In a pathetic attempt to replicate the adult world, Hannah Berkshire and her corresponding flat were found huddled around a lightly smouldering wheelie-bin as they toasted out of date marshmallows. A correspondent from The Whip was confused by the sight, quickly ran over to aid, only to discover the whole thing was a voluntary affair. Such Dickensian scenes haven’t been seen on Bristol streets since 2018; a practice so antiquated many had thought it abandoned to annals of history.

Hannah, whose actions have caused alarm within the community, spoke to The Whip at the scene: “Frankly, I thought the whole thing was perfectly civilised. We’re just having a bit of fun; celebrating the death of an individual attempting to overthrow a monarch to whom we have no connection, whilst simultaneously reducing the amount of waste headed to landfill. Who doesn’t want to enjoy the warm glow of a fire on a cold evening like this? Also, if you breathe in hard enough you can taste the plastic which is *cough* cute.”

The nature of such an event draws the state of student living into sharp context. These students, so unable to purchase logs and a fire-pit; had chosen to desecrate the waste disposal system of the city. So unable to replicate their lives at home, they’d chosen to sink into the lowly underworld, supplementing mulled cider with warmed water.

The Whip will continue to monitor the scene here in Redland, as we await what other celebrations students will half-arse, such as perhaps celebrating the New Year with sparklers and a bottle of Lambrini.