Hummus salmonella crisis disproportionately affecting boring white students

The outbreak of a salmonella crisis in the vessel of creamy (or familiar but fatal) Aldi hummus has sent ripples across the country.

The University of Durham’s Hummus Society has spoken out on the matter.

“It’s unbelievable that people like us can be threatened by something like food poisoning, We thought we were safe.

“Salmonella only comes from eggs and chicken. As vegans we thought we were all safe. How can we spend pointless hours discussing the intricacies of different brands of hummus now that we’re possibly going to be infected?”

UoM students were seen to be warning others on Fallowfield Students Group, with posts stating, “guys 😳 stay vigilant, scary stuff 😵“.

One woman, Georgia Wright, even went so far as to say, “It’s the most petrifying thing since the withdrawals I had from my Matcha tea – never again.”

The Whip would like to advise its readers that eating a diet consisting purely of hummus and celery sticks may not be the most healthy option.