Mission changes name to Emissions in bid to attract Saudi investment

Money talks.

What’s in a name? Saudi investment, according to one popular student nightclub in Leeds. In a recent move to entice foreign financing, Mission will be undergoing an intense rebrand, hopefully catching the eye of the Middle East in the process.

Their marketing representative, Georgie B. Ushton, exclusively spoke with The Whip.

“With the sudden rise of Extinction Rebellion, we realised there was a hole in the market to accept morally bankrupt investment,” she explained, sipping her ice latte through a plastic straw.

“After the fate of Canal Mills,” she continued, “we are prepared to look to the history books to cover up any Saudi-Western involvement if needs be.”

Aside from the obvious change of name, there will be several other alterations to the club. They aim to marry together their target investors and regular clientele, a seemingly tall task given the conservative nature of the Middle East and the usual debauchery and depravity a night at the club entails.

Most surprising is the introduction of an alcohol-free policy, replaced by a range of mocktails, dubbed ‘Protein Sheikhs’, the most popular tested thus far being the Fossil Huel. They hope that this will still draw in their regular crowd of sports socials, who make up 87% of their profit.

When asked about matching the policy on illicit drug taking, which receives the death penalty in Saudi Arabia, Ushton refused to comment.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *