Student narrowly avoids scurvy after going home for reading week
A deficiency disaster was closely averted this week after one student made the journey back to his hometown in Surrey for reading week. After being given free reign over his diet for five weeks, first year economics student Peter Ingham-Staker registered the lowest recorded vitamin C level since the 17th century.
Fortunately, help was at hand. Mr Staker’s courageous flatmates scraped him up off their cold, damp floor and bundled him onto the first train to Guilford.
Thanks to the quick thinking of his friends, Peter’s mother was able to administer an emergency bowl of steamed broccoli and a sliced apple to him before the condition worsened.
The Whip spoke with Peter’s mother about his path to recovery. “After a week-long intensive course of vegetables and citrus-based foods, coupled with a fitness regime based around walking the dogs once a day, my little cherub is back to his normal self.”
“I’ve packed him enough frozen meals to last through to Christmas so he won’t have to worry about learning to cook for himself and can concentrate on the important stuff, like playing FIFA.”
When reached for comment, Peter said that he “couldn’t wait” to get back to his usual routine of smoking biftas and neglecting his health.
Captain James Cook said in a statement: “I thought I’d sorted this scurvy bollocks out years ago. It’s not hard to wrap your head around. Just don’t live soley on pot noodles and oven pizzas, you slovenly fools.”
- 1North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 5Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation