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“All I need to do is learn to cook” says aspiring chef who has already mastered cocaine and swearing

“I just need to hone my craft and show the world what I’m really made of.”

Suffocated by his loss of job prospects due to his inevitable 2:2, UoB student Christopher Underwood has reportedly found his calling and future career – in the restaurant business. He told our reporter “I’m going to become a chef, I’m already two thirds of the way there: I love coke and swear like a Jeremy Kyle contestant. All I need to do is learn to cook.

‘It all started when I accidentally signed up for a cocaine course on my gap year.’ Underwood explained.

“I was completely under the impression that I would be joining a cooking course to help me in my role as a chalet-boy on my ski season. I must have just misheard the name of the course or assumed the person describing it to me had a thick Caribbean accent. Anyway, two days later I was a master of all things cocaine.”

Having bought himself a motorised soup blender on Amazon and three different Delia Smith cookery books from the Oxfam on Cotham Hill, Christopher began his preparation for his birth into the world of cooking. “I’ve already mastered oven pizzas and pesto pasta” he told our reporter.

“I just need to hone my craft and show the world what I’m really made of.” Underwood is reported to be determined to craft his culinary skills and intends for his signature dish; spaghetti hoops Bolognese, to make him a household name.

Underwood is very open about his dreams of gaining two Michelin stars which he intends to incorporate into his restaurant’s sign after his initials: C.U.

It is unknown when CU** will open, but he is confident his foul-mouthed flair and aptitude for amphetamine will bring him the success he is hungry for.

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