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Commons musical chairs game ruined as Farage promises not to fight for seat

“Jeremy smells of potatoes and cycles to work and all he talks about is his grades.”

Usual antics were suspended today in Westminster as prodigal party boy Nigel Farage refused to participate in a hotly anticipated game of musical chairs, on account of his friendship with fellow Bash Street kid Boris Johnson.

Farage, aged fifty-five and-two-quarters, had this to say to The Whip. “Me and Boris are the coolest. We’re way cooler than Jeremy and his friend John. They smell of potatoes and cycle to work and all they talk about is their grades. Who cares if they have a lot of marks?

“Boris is bigger than Jeremy so we agreed that I wouldn’t get in his way. Take that Jez! We’re going to win. Na, nahnee, nah-nah,  Na, nahnee, nah-nah, etc.”

Jeremy, aged 70, was nonetheless optimistic about his chances of victory, stating that he had “a lot of momentum”, having studied the “revolutionary” tactics of various Chairmen throughout history.

Also in the running is Jo, who was stood alone, offering a tenner, paid over thirty years, to anybody who would talk to her. The Whip declined.

Attempts were made to talk to Rory, who’d recently fallen out with Boris, but he sped away hastily, stating that he was off to play first-past-the-parcel.

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