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Lonely policeman delighted to be invited to Redland house party

“I’d been practicing my Dirty Harry voice in the shower all week, so I was absolutely buzzing to give it a whirl!”

Over the years, students of Redland have kindled a reputation for being obnoxious, entitled, and throwing some really banging house parties. Consequently, reports came in yesterday of one local law enforcement officer squealing with delight after receiving an invitation to one of these exclusive soirees.

The Whip spoke to our boy in blue PC Lackey earlier today, who gave us the story of how Cinderella finally made it to the ball.

“Goodness, where to begin!” gasped Lackey, “So here I was at 10pm, nibbling away at my pasty, cleaning my stepsister’s kitchen, just my regular Tuesday evening routine…”

“Then suddenly I get a call from the Sarge, who sends me to shut down a party on Chandos Road. I’d been practicing my Dirty Harry voice in the shower all week, so I was absolutely buzzing to give it a whirl!”

Clearly, it was an evening to remember. Our crime correspondent contacted the culprit behind the auditory offence, Sarah Goodman, to hear what happened when the long arm of law came knocking…

“It’s never a good sign when the filth show up to a party. But as soon as Constable Lackey arrived, we knew there was no threat.”

She continued, “Big beaming smile, top button of his shirt undone. We were about to ask him for a warrant but he looked so tragic that we felt bad and let him in.

Aside from the odd mistimed joke about handcuffing girls, PC Lackey really behaved himself. Watching him reel off the lyrics to Skepta’s Shutdown was a real highlight, and it goes without saying that he’s welcome back anytime.”

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