Mitigating circumstances form expanded to include ‘overdose of adrenaline in the Falklands War’ option

An excuse for the many, not the few.

No longer, it seems, is ‘the dog ate my homework’ the flaker’s flavour of the month, as ‘scholars’, devoid of the time and effort to complete even the most basic assignment, will now have the opportunity to select a new option when applying for extenuating circumstances on student services, The Whip can today announce.

Alongside the old classics of illness and appointment, “I have a peculiar medical condition which is that I don’t sweat, or I didn’t sweat at the time, because I had suffered what I would describe as an overdose of adrenaline in the Falklands War,” will now be open for public usage.

Amidst reports that Queen Elizabeth has lost control of the Windsor dressing room, it is thought this innovative and evasive excuse has come directly from the palace itself, with royal decree stipulating all should have access to these princely shirking tactics. For the many, not the few, as they say.

The Whip was able to catch up with one rejoicing individual, Laurence Loafer, who has been quick to make use of this new feature.

“Bloody hell mate it’s manna from heaven,” the smug, morally and intellectually vacuous second year began, “there I was debating whether it was worth taking the five to go Mint Warehouse at the weekend, and Christ alive there you have it, inspiration from above saves the day.”

In other, seemingly unrelated, news, nationwide Google searches for ‘mutiny’, ‘usurper’ and revolution’ increased exponentially over the weekend.

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