As the debate over whose halls are the best guarantor of laughs, late nights and debauchery an unexpected outsider has taken it upon themselves to give their two-penny’s worth. Jim Cattermole, long deceased, has charged the Henry Price halls as being even less lively than his current place of rest, the neighbouring graveyard.
After relentless flurry of complaints to the University about noise levels, the council have confirmed that the halls’ neighbouring graveyard needs to “be more considerate” to students in Henry Price, after it was reported that it was making significantly more noise and having considerably more fun.
Through the medium of a Ouija board, The Whip spoke to the corpse, who, after spending 208 years six feet beneath the wintery earth, has finally spoken about the issue.
“The coffin is an absolute blast down there compared to that tumbleweed – ridden fun – vacuum. Just look at it. We’ve had a few Henry Price residents wander over to the graveyard in the early hours begging to see if there are any vacant coffins available to move into in order to ‘liven up their first year at uni’.
“Sorry chief, you’ve made your bed, now lie in it. That’s what we’re doing, and it’s a bloody great crack.”
The Whip also caught up with one desperate individual Alastair Kipple whose frustration stems from an intense envy that his choice to live in Henry Price has led him to miss out on an “authentic and enjoyable” first year of uni:
“Everything’s just grey. And to rub it in our faces we’ve got the much more animated field of buried dead people right next to us rubbing it in. We call it the raveyard.
“It’s torture when you can see how much more fun they’re having over there; the cold silent stones, the encircling ravens, the wilting bouquets. It’s not fair, when we just have to sit and observe from afar as what’s supposed to be the best year of our lives slips silently into the abyss of time.”