“God, I look like such a sex-offender”, laughs Movember participant well-known for sharking at Gravity

A tragic moustache for a tragic human

In aid of charity, scores of students up and down the country have opted to decorate their upper lips with fun follicle furniture, many opting for the bravely subtle ‘barely there’ look, traditionally only associated with pre-pubescent boys and those without mirrors in their homes.

The wispy tash is a bold statement – one donned for a good cause, no less. Perhaps the real tragedy is the bellend that comes attached to it, namely third-year Accounting & Finance student Henry Goddard.

“Yeah I look like such a charity case hahaha!”, this moneyed-rugby-boy told The Whip. “I should really be seeing some of those donations come my way as compensation for looking like a prick for a whole month”, he chortled, failing to reference the other eleven months of the year wherein he looks like a giant tosser.

“At least it gives the other blokes a chance”, he continued, gesturing towards the cappuccino stain circling his mouth. “It’s like the opposite of Viagra, my housemates have started calling it the ‘vag deflector’. Pretty fucking funny, I know.”

Whilst the frothy facial hair’s capacity as a sexual preventative is undeniable, the student in question neglects to consider other more relevant factors, like his personality, or his inability to wash his hands after he goes to the toilet.

“God help me if I have a job interview and they run a DBS check”, he chuckled. “I’d be fucked! I look like such a nonce haha.”

Fortunately for him, the young man has nepotism on his side and need not worry about plebeian issues such as job interviews and being reprimanded for lechery. For the time being, however, he only needs to worry about that first year’s thigh he keeps brushing in Bargs, and the backhand to the ‘stache that may follow.

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