1. Arial Black
Arial’s parents are famous architects who designed one of London’s less well-known skyscrapers. It wasn’t quite The Shard, but they were still rich enough to send their daughter to the same public school that you went to.
2. Helvetica Bold
Helvetica Bold is a nasty piece of work who made your life a misery for the entirety of your time at school, and when she too failed to get into Oxbridge, it was inevitable you’d eventually meet again in the Hiatt Baker canteen.
3. Goudy Stout
Yeah people used to laugh at how fat old Stouty was, but in fairness to him, he would always take it on one of his many chins. He’s not so stout these days, the bulimia triggered by years of emotional trauma made sure of that.
4. Poor Richard
‘Poor’ Richard is the nickname of notorious streetonian Richard Blake, who thinks a North Face gilet makes him ‘road’. He’s a massive fan of Top Boy, and if you either don’t like it or haven’t seen it, you can be sure he’ll say, “rah, bro, it’s literally the best show ever. God, I fucking love Dave.”
5. Hadassah Friedlander
A quiet lad, kept himself to himself. Was he actually the guy that used to wank into the Geography textbooks? Who knows, but just like the pages of those textbooks, the rumours certainly stuck.
6. Bernard MT Condensed
A devout Christian. His dad was a priest or a bishop or an abbot or something.
7. Bahnschrift Semibold
The son of important Austrian diplomats and never seen without his Lenovo 15.6” Laptop Everyday B515 Backpack, Bahnschrift loves reminding you how much of a mess British politics is in at the moment, and to be fair, he isn’t wrong.
8. Felix Titling
Absolute fucking lad and captain of the Rugby team. Aced his Oxbridge interview, aced his internship interview, aced the sexual assault charges against him. ‘Isn’t he a real piece of shit?’, you might ask. The answer: yes, but don’t forget that he’s an absolute lad!
9. Plantagenet Cherokee
Mega posho. Plantagenet loves horses, equestrian apparel and Cath Kidston, in that order. Speaking of horses, whoever gave her that name must have been kicked in the head by one.
10. Palatino Linotype
Amateur photographer, professional twat. Never has any cig components on him, ever. Now at UAL, Palatino can mainly be found in the smoking areas of Shoreditch clubs asking randoms for a filter.
11. Sitka Small
I have literally no idea who this girl is, and I’m pretty sure you don’t remember her either.
12. Lucida Bright
Unlike her name, Lucida is no bright spark. She did, however, manage to get on a course studying Behavioural Sciences at Bucks New University, so that’s something.