Fifth still shit

An exclusive report.

Despite the best efforts of Fifth’s promotional team, The Whip can exclusively reveal that the first-year favourite club is still absolutely shite.

Initial reports that the foam party throwing venue is shit led Whip reporters to investigate further. Exit survey polls over the last year found that customer satisfaction has been on the decline, continuing on a steady downward trajectory since the opening night.

Critics cite the revelation that the establishment’s 90p vodka mixers are 90% water and a desperate attempt to draw crowds away from Factory led them to hire their notoriously heavy-handed former bouncers, perhaps in the hope of running a smoking area mixed martial arts tournament.

The percentage of repeat visitors has also slipped, with one club-goer explaining, “The only reason I stayed so long in the first place was because my shoes kept sticking to the floor.”

Attendees are encouraged to bring nicotine patches to survive the four cigarettes per night limit, or simply to not attend at all.

We will continue our updates periodically to see if Fifth ever improves.

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