Manchester student Theo Harding has reached out to The Whip about the baffling lack of sex he has experienced recently, despite regularly displaying his impressive ability to cycle without his hands leaving his pockets.
“I remember being the coolest guy in year Six, so me still being a virgin a decade later simply doesn’t make sense,” Harding told The Whip after yet another completely un-erotic cycle ride.
“I assumed that women wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off someone whose own hands are practically useless, but I haven’t received so much as a glance.”
Reports confirm that Harding isn’t the only one feeling unloved. “It’s like he doesn’t even notice me,” said his handlebars through layers of dust and neglect. “I haven’t felt a person’s touch since Theo hit puberty.”
Luckily, Harding has recently announced he will be changing his ways. He now plans to buy an obnoxiously loud car, and will attract women by driving it down Oxford Road as fast as possible.