‘Registering to vote is pointless,’ says student who pays nine grand a year for library they don’t use

A student who pays £9,250 a year for access to a library they’ve never set foot in has dismissed registering to vote as a “waste of time” and “pointless”.

Jack Carson, who also has DJ decks that have never been plugged in, a slow cooker used once for a chilli in 2016 and an expired condom in his wallet, gave a scathing undressing of the democratic process to our reporters after his Physics seminar.

“That five minutes it takes to register to vote I could spend doing all sorts of other worthwhile stuff. Like not using the uni library I pay nine grand a year to have access to or thinking of a way to say ‘hi’ to the girl on my course who’s way out of my league.

“I’m sorry, but Pankhurst and that were wasting their time. Nothing’s ever changed by letting people in power know how you feel about them. Real change is inspired by sitting on your unqualified high horse with your hackneyed opinions and being mindlessly apathetic.”

The 20-year-old, whose home constituency of Hastings and Rye had a majority of 346 votes in the 2017 election, went on to explain that he doesn’t think the news is that important — although when queried, he did concede he’d never heard of ‘the economy’, ‘climate change’ or ‘war’.

“Yeah, all politicians are the same”, opined the Ellesse t-shirt wearer, before insisting that the differences between Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, Mhairi Black and Hermann Göring were “nominal at best”.

“Mind you, I don’t take a similar attitude with other things — just politics. Like supporting West Ham, masturbating, and religiously attending every new Marvel release. Yeah, I do all that with real fervour.”

In a surprising moment of self-awareness, Jack mumbled “maybe I don’t like politics because I don’t understand it that much” before shaking his head, snapping out of it, and sending the boys a funny TikTok on WhatsApp of animals having sex or someone being rude or something.

For Whip readers more clued-up than Jack, you can register to vote here.