Major Rethink, Private Breakdown and five other annoying military figures you’ll encounter whilst trying to write this history essay

1. Skipper Lecture

Commander of the seas, king of the waves; this canny seafarer knows what’s good for you. There’s no point wasting valuable time studying for other modules when you’ve got an essay to write. Filling your head with useless knowledge about something you’re just going to revise over Christmas anyway. Use your brain, listen to your captain: Skipper Lecture.

2. General Anxiety

Bollocks, you’ve bumped into General Anxiety. This cunt is a right pain in the arse. He’s a military legend, has been around for years. Will try and convince you that worrying about starting an essay is essentially the same as writing it. You’ll meet him in Brotherton Level 2 on the day you allotted to writing a comprehensive plan and draft the first section. Looks like you’ll be getting no work done today, however.

3. Commander Sistance

A war hero, protecting the meek and the unsure. Commander Sistance got shot in the leg on his third tour whilst trying to defend some civilian children. Do you think he carried on and try to go it alone? Of course not, he called the Medic – because that’s what they’re there for. I mean, that’s literally their job. Speak to your tutor, ask for some help, maybe even shed a tear. What’s the worst that can happen?

4. Major Rethink

Oh shit. You’ve emailed your tutor a quick run-down of your plan and main argument and it turns out you’ve totally misinterpreted the question. It’s time for Major Rethink even though you’d hoped you’d never have to meet him in the first place. He starts to question everything you thought you’d known about Class and Gender Relations in Pre-Industrial Occidental Europe. Back to the drawing board, back to the reading list: time for a Major Rethink.

5. Private Breakdown

Major Rethink has not gone to plan and now General Anxiety is back in the picture, too. However, it’s the less decorated but no less war hardened Private Breakdown who’s just swanned in. Young, precocious, arrogant; you encounter this prick alone in your room one evening when all your housemates are at the pub. This calls for one man to come in and calm your head.

6. Seaman In-A-Sock

A plucky naval deck hand. You could call him your first mate – always there when things get too much. Able to calm you down, clear your head and take your mind off things. God bless this unsung hero. After a brief spell with Seaman In-A-Sock you’re ready to go, nothing will stop you.

7. Admira(b)l(e) Effort

You got it done. It took time, but you got it done. Submission is greeted with the friendly pat on the back by the avuncular veteran Admira(b)l(e) Effort. (Come on, I mean it’s not that far off and we had to think of seven, which takes longer than you’d imagine, and I’ve got an essay due Monday too, you know) Now go to the pub, treat yourself with a pint. It’s better than not getting it done and bumping into Capt. At-Forty-Credits in January.