Stoner bottles essence to sell as CBA oil
This week in enterprise: Bristol University has awarded an ‘excellence in business’ grant to Joff Bonesman, a second-year Stokes Croft resident, for a new product that’s been turning Bristolian heads.
It’s working name? CBA oil.
According to Bonesman, CBA oil “seeks to disrupture? Disrupt?” the rapidly emerging UK Cannabis sector. It’s his first foray into business, “or pretty much anything to be honest.”
His eureka moment owes itself, appropriately, to a moment in a bathtub. Flatmate and “Chief Operating First Mate” Dom Cryer was on hand to describe it to The Whip.
“Uh, basically, we were running out of hot water, n’ we both really needed a soak. Bonesy had been at a free party, covered in a film of grime, so he shotgunned first. I hopped in after him – it’s not grim, it’s fine, no one died when they drank Belle Delphine’s, did they? – and hey fuckin presto. I saw this alluring golden oil upon the surface, it had bubbled up to the top… smelling and tasting like a sweaty Ghee. It was Bonesy’s essential oil, and I lapped it up.
The effects of the new product? “The next few days, I was in total bliss. I didn’t do anything, but that gnawing anxiety at the pit of my stomach? The one that says: Dom, you probably ought to wear shoes at house-parties, Dom, your crystal ceremonies might be bullshit – my dad-fascist-shadow-self – finally shut the fuck up and let me just kick it. I can’t recommend it enough.”
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form