Fallowfield boy sticks up bank with gun fingers
Reports emerged this morning of a male student from Fallowfield perpetrating an armed robbery of a local Santander using gun fingers as a weapon.
Terrified witnesses recall seeing the male, identifiable as a Fallow boy by his baggy cargo pants, battered Air Force 1s and general middle class demeanour, enter the bank with headphones on before quickly drawing for his gun fingers.
Ann Wycombe, a pensioner who was at the bank transferring money to her grandchildren to avoid paying inheritance tax, spoke to reporters from The Whip.
“He burst through the door with his hands in the pockets of his big black coat, with a pair of headphones over his cap.
“He shouted, and I quote, ‘Oiiiiiiiiiiiiii’, before immediately whipping his hands out of his pockets to reveal not one but two sets of gun fingers.
“Everyone in the bank began screaming and running for cover. It was honestly chaos. He must have been banging the tunes because I’ve never seen anyone gun fingers with such ferocity – and I lived through World War II.
“He walked over to the ATM, still holding his gun fingers high, and, while we were cowering in the corner, withdrew a statement. He shouted, ‘Rah, where’s my Ps fam?’, at which point the poor bank teller started stuffing wads of cash into bin bags for him.
“But before anyone could do anything he walked out, muttering, ‘Peak, no funds, hope mumzy hooks it this month’.
“It was truly terrifying. I just hope for everyone’s sake that he doesn’t pull those gun fingers out in a club as he could do some serious damage.”
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form