Generous Hyde Park dealer increases cocaine purity to 8% in Black Friday deal

As the annual dystopian parade of everything wrong with human society comes crashing back into our lives once again, Black Friday seems to have impacted on the illicit sphere as the consumer’s drive for deals has surpassed the high-street.

It appears that this frenzied rush of rampant consumerism has infiltrated all levels of Britain’s markets – even the black ones – to the extent that whilst you could previously wear, play with and eat your triumphant thriftiness, you can now sniff it off your phone behind Pizza Cano.

Remaining anonymous for obvious reasons, The Whip contacted an eminent Hyde Park drug dealer who, in what’s been described as a “good-hearted and deeply generous move,” by Leeds City Council, has increased the purity of his produce to 8% just for the day.

“Investment. In. People. I’m a pillar of this community, and it’s my duty to give something back. I was already ahead of the curve with ethical cocaine distribution by only misleading vulnerable youths into ingesting a mere 94% of sinisterly indeterminate chemicals. By bringing that figure down 2%, I’m a man of the people. I’m a leader, a businessman… probably a philanthropist third.”

Economically savvy and philosophically ahead of his time, this individual has been invited by the YMCA to present a talk on ‘ethical entrepreneurism’, and has had his 586 suspected related drug deaths expunged from his police records.

We did ask him a few more questions, but he refused to comment on neither the several reported stabbings of rival drug dealers with similar plans, nor the origins of the dramatic crimson splatterings that soaked the interior of his Audi R6.