With house hunting season well underway, students across Bristol have found themselves subject to numerous visits from cynical and avaricious letting agents, seeking to facilitate the further rental of properties to the next generation of exploited students.
One six-man Cotham household of dissident paramilitary republicans found themselves in for a particularly nasty surprise when that great opponent of Irish reunification – Digs – arrived unexpectedly at their domicile in order to conduct a house viewing. Panic ensued as the Real IRA sleeper cell struggled to hide their bomb-making equipment, a cache of automatic weaponry and a novelty plastic bong.
Comparing the letting agency to the Royal Ulster Constabulary, one of the militants described the visit as an “act of barefaced imperialist aggression – they totally didn’t email us about the viewing at all”, adding that the provocation would yield appropriate retribution: “It is repression that creates the revolutionary spirit of freedom. You can put a rope round my neck, but you cannot put a rope around the neck of an idea.”
Another tenant, when approached for comment, was less strident, despairing that the belligerent rhetoric might mean that they all “won’t see much of the deposit back to be honest.”
The Student Living Officer urged the tenants to consider their rights in situations like this, saying that “exploitative letting agencies like Digs have always been keen to undermine the struggle for social justice in Northern Island, and this particular incident has only confirmed that further. Vote for me by the way. I’ll give the peace process a really good crack – or how do you say it over there? – Craic!”