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Wire-goers disappointed to discover new subwoofers actually just small dogs

Yeah like that’ll work…not!

In what was initially assumed to be a communication mix-up, Wire – a club with previously unimpaired relationship with the RSPCA – has made the unprecedented decision to replace elements of its sound system with small dogs. On deeper investigation, however, General Manager, Harry Beagle, appeared confident about the club’s new focus on the canine species.

“Well, I guess it traces back to our decision a couple years back to ensure the visibility in the club space never rises above 6%. With the critical success of that step we realised there was more we could do to make every night at wire a more laborious and hypocritical experience.

“As an establishment, we knew we couldn’t be complacent if we were to maintain our place at the very top of the ‘inner-city-club-but-not-the-kind-of-club-that-plays-songs-with-words-in-club’ division. The introduction of irritating, yet unarguably adorable, little dogs just seemed like the obvious next step.”

After Harry refused to elaborate on how this decision was “obvious”, we took to asking a few of Wire’s more devoted fans on their opinion on the unwonted sound-system switch-up.

Pierre Ampe, fourth year international student, voiced his frustration with management’s decision.

“I’m a bit miffed to be honest. There I was, buzzing and ready to oscillate to some avant-garage and I come down to see the dogs they’ve got are tiny. Like, who was in charge of that one? Why have you got dogs literally famous for their alto-soprano bark range. How the fuck are you possibly supposed to recreate the required resonation for sub-bass frequency amplifiers with a couple Yorkshire terriers in a box?”

Our researchers have confirmed that the dog-heavy setup has hindered the volume of the bass production. However, whether this new emphasis on a slightly fluffier club environment has a positive effect on the institution remains to be seen.

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