Fresher accidentally ruins Christmas by drinking all the spirit
With 22 sleeps to go, The Whip can report that an Oak House fresher has unfortunately ruined Christmas for everyone by drinking away all the spirit.
The first year, Benny McDuck, accidentally consumed all the Christmas spirit at a pre-drinks for AU after finding a litre of Lidl own-brand vodka could not quench his thirst for spirits.
Christmas spirit is often in short supply as society becomes more secular and economic strife worsens. The tiny amount of Christmas spirit this year was painstakingly gathered from mid-November Christmas lights switch-ons, charity appeals by B-list celebs with white saviour complexes, and emotionally sucker-punching adverts by massive tax-dodging multinational corporations; efforts which now all appear to have been in vain.
Reporters from The Whip spoke to McDuck the next morning, who appeared to have received a visit from the ghost of Jägerbombs past.
“Fuck man, what happened last night? What a wobbler! That Christmas spirit packs a punch. I hope I didn’t drink it all!
“Wait, I did? So Christmas is ruined? Ah well, least I don’t have to get mum a present. Plus my girlfriend wanted to go to the markets so I guess that’s a line through those plans. Belting.”
The Whip has reached out to Bob Geldof to see if anyone knows it’s Christmas.
- 1Greta delivers earth-shattering Motion techno set during Bristol visit
- 2Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 3Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 4North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 5Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form