Jeremy Corbyn’s Friday night altercation with a self-checkout machine in Hyde Park 24hr Sainsbury’s is the latest scandal facing the Labour leader. “Time for real change,” multiple witnesses heard him shout repeatedly at the faceless automaton, who responded with pleas for Jezza to get “out of the bagging area”.
Despite the incident becoming heated, it took forty-five minutes for a member of staff to arrive at the scene. Other customers, worried for the machine’s safety, said they were “comforted” by its repeated insistence that someone was “coming to help.”
The security guard on duty that night, Steve Gammon, 36, was questioned by The Whip regarding the cause of the kerfuffle: “It appears Corbyn was hoping to receive his change in banknotes not coins. He expressed concern about how it would look to walk past the homeless gentleman outside, ‘pockets jingling.’”
However, Corbyn insists that this was not the case and has railed against the rising price of Freddos.“Diane Abbott told me they were 10p,” said Jezza in a press conference regarding the matter. “I thought I had simply been short-changed but was horrified to learn the price has in fact been raised to 25p. This is exactly what’s wrong with our country and I promise to renationalise the Freddos.”
“This is an obvious example of anti-Semitism,” said Boris Johnson. “I stand in solidarity with the self-checkout machine – an upstanding individual who actually inspired our new party slogan.”
‘Please wait, someone is coming to help,’ will be repeatedly broadcasted from Tory HQ for an indefinite amount of time henceforward. This broadcast is being praised as an effective alternative to will all benefits payouts.
In the light of this “damning evidence”, the Daily Mail have opened a further investigation into Corbyn’s IRA links.