Heartbreaking: hornless narwhal unable to fight off aquatic terrorists

Distressing footage emerged this week of a narwal rendered defenceless against an attack from a group of floating fundamentalists. The dogmatic dolphins in question formed part of the terrorist organisation known as ISIS (Islamic State in Seawater) who incite hatred and violence towards non-dolphin members of the Cetacean genus.

Nelly the narwhal had her tusk taken from her in the 1960s by poachers, an action which would leave her vulnerable to floating fundamentalists several decades later.

Our marine correspondent Shelly Shores went to the scene of the crime to speak with Nelly, who is in a critical but stable condition.

“First of all, it’s not a tusk, it’s a protruding tooth, okay? We aren’t just some kind of sea-unicorn, despite what poetic Arctic explorers will tell you.

“Those poachers took my only means of defence, as well as my pride. Do you know how humiliating it is to be mistaken for a beluga whale by fat Americans on cruise ships?”

Nelly then revealed how she was able to escape her near-death encounter:

“Fortunately, I was able to grab an ornamental fisherman’s leg from the wall of a nearby pub and fight them off with that.

“I just hope my horn has been put to as much use out there.”