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‘Mate I am sooo fucked,’ slurs planet absolutely waved on greenhouse gases

“I need some new mates who aren’t environmental wreckheads”

Have you ever tried laughing gas? What about poppers? Smoked crack cocaine? Even if you have, we can report that planet Earth may have you one-upped by being ‘absolutely mashed bro’ on ever-increasing levels of atmospheric greenhouse gases.

The possibility that carbon emissions could have an intoxicating effect on the planet has been known to scientists for several decades; however, researchers previously thought the effects were minor and could be likened to having a nightcap of whiskey or microdosing LSD. This thinking has been turned on its head after Mother Nature exclusively reached out to us to confirm that ‘mate I am sooo fucked’.

“Bro did we get on a plane? Cause I am in Spangladesh right now,” slurred the planet through a thick cloud of smog and industrial waste gases.

“I swear I’ve been high for centuries,” it coughed, before inhaling a massive chunk of the ozone layer above Antarctica. “I’m trying to piece together what happened. I had a little more greenhouse gases than usual at pres but it’s been a while since the last ice age so allow me. My mate showed me this absolutely stomping mix in the Techtonics series.

“After pres we hit this mad party called the Industrial Revolution. The whole thing was powered by steam; I know, mental right.

“Then we came back for afters and it got sooo messy. They’ve given me everything. CFCs, carbon dioxide – some guy even gave me 2,3,7,8-tetrachlorodibenzodioxin, whatever that is. It was wavey anyway.

“I’m soooo gonners now. I’m like two degrees hotter than I was a century ago. Don’t wanna take my top off though cause there’s a bird over there eyeing me up. Can someone turn down those forest fires in Brazil, California or New South Wales? Safe.

“Honestly bro I know I say this all the time but I’m semi worried I have a problem. Like, all these greenhouse gases, every weekend… where does it end? I need some new mates who aren’t environmental wreckheads.

“They have no respect for me. They live on me and they’re still fucking me up all the time. I’m going to be hanging tomorrow. Never. Drinking. Again. I’m hoping this era of enormous uninhibited pollution is just another phase for humans, like emojis or mullets or techno music.”

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