In another surreal twist to this increasingly surreal election, the prime minister has been spotted sporting a drastic new hairdo, desperate as he is to attract youngsters over to ‘team blue’.
Speaking to a crowd outside the Charles Morris student halls, he marvelled at the “edginess” of the location and struck up a near instant rapport with his audience by inquiring as to who’d seen Shy FX at the Student Union the weekend before, “25 quid a pop, what a steal eh?!”
Nevertheless, Johnson was subjected to some heckling, principally regarding whatever “that” was on his head. Members of the crowd who were not residents of the infamous ‘Charlie Mo’ were visibly unsettled by the mullet, The Whip can report, a reaction no doubt accentuated by Johnson’s repeated claims to be “just like one of you povvos.”
However, we were able to find one brave attendee, Tarquin Cholmondeley-Porpington, who valiantly offered to “play devil’s advocate” and “stand up for” the prime minister – who, despite holding such an office and attending all manner of posh educational establishments, he assured The Whip, “is the rebellious underdog in today’s political discourse.”
Porpington continued, “Boris really knows how to speak and connect with us everyday yutes,” he said. “It’s tough on the streets of Hyde Park; I live in constant fear of my signet ring getting nicked. I’m glad to have a leader that shares both my haircut and my economic interests.”
Indeed, Johnson was eager to talk to The Whip about the new look, “It’s sick isn’t it? What will Mummy and Daddy say?!” Appearing a little sweaty in the heat of his North Face puffa jacket, he felt compelled to reiterate the question, “It IS sick isn’t it? Do you think so?!“