Leeds UK

Student furious at presence of locals in local

Who would have thought it?

As each year goes by, the city of Leeds repeatedly welcomes an unstoppable tide of vivacious adolescents that, miles from home and riddled with uncertainty, must integrate into their new surroundings.

This process of assimilation is usually smooth and painless, but the fun & games came to an ugly head this week when The Whip received a bone-chilling report that a local pub had been found to contain middle-aged customers that live nearby.

What had been planned to be a sprightly night of youthful debauchery within a strictly defined university bubble was utterly obliterated by the unanticipated presence of an ominous tribe of ‘locals.’ The Whip managed to get statements from some of the victims of this vicious intrusion.

“Not only do they ruin the aesthetic value of the surroundings, but they’re shattering the illusion. Just by sitting there and being both old and Northern, we’re constantly being reminded of the impending collapse of our hedonistic middle class microclimate. They are a symbol of reality, and as misguided alcoholic millennials who did ontology discovery modules in first year, we, by definition, hate reality.

“Look at ‘em! Neither fun nor intoxication are appropriate after the age of thirty, especially if you’re going to be drinking Old Speckled Hen. How am I supposed to sip my Coors Light in blissful ignorance, when that man there is literally wearing straight leg jeans?

“One of them nodded at me as I walked past him. I don’t know if that’s some kind of code, or threat even. The accompanying warm smile added an extra layer of confrontation. It was when one of them slithered over to the jukebox and put on Bruce Springsteen that I just had to get out of there before I got ill. Can you catch locality? Is it airborne?”

From speaking to the victims, we got a very clear sense that these locals were rudely and shamelessly ignoring the rigid unwritten social apartheid that allows students to drink, shout and trash their way through university in peace.

“We have travelled far into these wild untamed lands, and with us we bring them culture, technology, hope, & deep house. The least that the indigenous population could do is just stay out of sight.”

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