Champagne Socialist or Red Stripe Tory: Which hypocrite are you?
Walking the streets of Britain, one can expect to find endless media coverage, squabbles galore, and fat white men promising free stuff. Could it be Christmas? Could it be an election? Well lucky for us ungrateful sods, it’s both! With such festivities underway, we are shown the truly awful people that reside on both ends of the political spectrum. The question remains, what kind are you? Take our fun interactive quiz to find out…
Question 1: What are you from?
A: Council estate in Essex, I promise
B: East London, I promise
Question 2: Come on, where are you really from?
A: Actual estate, Hampshire
B: Sussex cul-de-sac
Question 3: Ever brought up politics at a party?
A: Is the struggle of the working classes limited to an hour’s seminar? I think not. For added leftist bite, I sing lustily along with Stormzy when he says ‘Fuck Boris’ in Vossi bop. God I’m so much better than most people.
B: Nah bruv, I’m no spiv.
Question 4 (Come on, nearly there): What has inspired your political engagement?
A: The socialist cause speaks strongly to my personal convictions for social justice and fair wealth distribution, and DEFINITELY not because I feel guilty for being sent to boarding by a family who were almost certainly involved in slavery, okay?!
B: Dad said he’d buy me some new decks if I vote Tory
Mostly A: Champagne Socialist
Your commitment to emancipate the proletariat is as strong as your family’s offshore bank accounts. Shaking off your privileged past, you donned a Park St peacoat, sat down at a vegan café, and given everyone a stern bollocking about how ignorant they all are for not joining the struggle against capitalism. ¡Viva la revolución!
Mostly B: Red Stripe Tory
Probably schoolmates with the Champagne Socialist, you chose a rather different path upon entering Bristol: foul lager in one hand and even fouler jewellery on the other, you and your tracksuited friends strut through Stokes Croft happy in the knowledge that a vote for Boris will guarantee a good Christmas present from your unexpectedly wealthy parents – result.
- 1Third year revises so hard that ‘chilled study beats’ becomes actual music taste
- 2Fresher dismayed to find cacti, scratch map and wall hanging not actually substitute for personality
- 3North London fresher’s attempt to start anew ruined as entire sixth form moves to Bristol
- 4Breaking: Theresa May starts filling out extenuating circumstances form
- 5Oak House students seeking prison sentences in bid for more homely accommodation