Thousands of middle-class women in Boris’ constituency mark their ‘ex’ on the ballot

In a promiscuous turn of events, Boris Johnson’s parliamentary seat in Uxbridge and South Ruislip is hanging in the balance after an unprecedented number of ballots were spoilt.

According to reports from the polling station, swathes of the country’s most privileged women have misinterpreted the instruction to mark an ‘x’ on the ballot and are instead marking their ‘ex’ on the ballot – in this case, the Conservative party candidate Boris Johnson.

To try and make sense of the widespread confusion, we spoke with Tilly Boddington, who has come out as a contributor to Johnson’s potential demise.

“Boris’ name really jumped out at me as soon as I entered the polling booth,” she told us in an exclusive interview, “I knew him all too well from our days of courting.

“Bo and I must have been in our late twenties when we first got together. We met at a not-so-conservative party, if you know what I mean,” explained Tilly, winking saucily.

“It all ended when I overheard him talking to one of his pals about my best friend, Janine. He was going on and on about how his ‘negotiations’ with her were progressing well, and that he could tell a ‘deal’ was definitely on the way. I mentioned it to him and he broke up with me immediately. He said he had been meaning to ‘get it done’ anyway so he could ‘unleash his potential’.

“Anyway, it was easy to cast my vote and mark an ‘ex’ – I would never have gone out with any of the others. I’m still in the process of getting over Boris, to be honest. I’ve tried to forget about him, but my son looks so much like him that it’s hard not to think of him every day! So does Janine’s for that matter.”

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