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‘Electile dysfunction!’ United Kingdom votes for useless cock as Prime Minister

Five more years.

The morning after the night before, and the sun rises on a nation with its very own flaccid ball of Tory malevolence reinstated at the helm. ‘Rule Blue Britannia!’ cry the Tories, prepping for a half decade of cuts and self-serving tax breaks.

Ultimately, a night of red walls, echo chambers and exit polls has culminated in a Labour collapse and smug glory for Boris Johnson, who is thought to be currently sat naked in Number 10, basking in his own inexplicable brilliance. Mr. Corbyn, on the other hand, is comfort-eating jam. As for the LibDems, their policy of tactical, if occasionally appealing, irrelevance looks set to continue.

The Whip went on a search for reactions to this era-defining election, and were able to catch up with some rather dazed looking Labour voters outside Royal Park Pub.

“I really bloody thought Jezza could do it,” one began, introducing herself as Ottilie Charlemagne, “I can’t believe it really, never saw it coming, it’s almost like my small Twitter bubble made up exclusively of uni-educated middle class twenty-somethings isn’t representative of the world at large. Who’d have chuffing thunk it?”

Ottilie then took a resigned sigh, rolled another cigarette and wandered off into the night, G&T clutched firmly in hand.

At this point, we were approached by another individual, this time a joyous, blazer-wearing, pipe-smoking ‘true blue’ Tory by the name of Dominic Golly-Ravishing. Dominic, drunk on his own egotism, could produce only a string of barely coherent slogans.

“No more bloody dither … and errr, delay… capitalist forces shall most definitely, quite inevitably, solve the climate crisis… get Brexit done so as to… unleash Britain’s latent political potential.”

Unsurprisingly, Dominic rejected the suggestion Boris may actually be a racist, homophobic, and utterly spineless, knob, “ahhh, and yes, yes, I wholeheartedly refute groundless allegations of BoJo’s lack of virility, they are just that – groundless – look how many bloody kids the man’s got, he’s gonna really stuff it to those Brussels bureaucrats, that’s the kind of leader I’m after, bloody says it how it bloody is.”

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