The NHS will be reduced to a single king sized hospital bed and a tube of Berocca, Boris Johnson has announced in his flagship plans to bring the not-very-United Kingdom to its fucking knees.
The Conservatives’ landslide election win has given Johnson, the nation’s biggest wanker, and his cabal of cunting cabinet ministers the mandate to do whatever they want, as long as it wasn’t written in their manifesto. This will involve slowly selling off every crevice of the NHS to avaricious, sticky-fingered American health insurance companies, the CEOs of which Johnson hasn’t slept with.
In an early morning announcement made from the fenestra of 10 Downing Street, Johnson told the press, “Good morning my peasants, sorry, my patriots, me and Carrie have been on the Charlie all night long and I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on.”
“I know I said we weren’t going to sell the NHS but lots of people say lots of things, and, if you look closely, and if you look at the context of what I’m saying, I never said we weren’t going to sell the NHS.
“However, because I need people to believe I’m capable of some form of compassion, we’ve elected to leave the NHS one king-sized bed, that I may have done a bit of rumpy-pumpy in myself, and some Berocca I keep in my pocket for the mornings after my coke benders.
“These great provisions will be the grand prize of a battle royale fight-to-the-death between the executives of every NHS Trust in the UK. Free drinks if you voted Tory.”