University launches dating app for unemployed alumni named ‘Single Sign-On’

Helping underachievers hook-up!

Did you take being ‘free in first year’, ‘single in second year’ and ‘frisky in third year’ a little too seriously? Did you disappoint your parents when you failed to secure a husband at university, even though they supported you through your three-year media studies degree? Are you looking for that special someone to help you through the tough realities of unemployment? If so, then the University of Bristol has got your back!

Following a series of accusations that the university has not done enough to prepare its underqualified students for the sad and lonely nature of graduate life, the University of Bristol, in partnership with UoB IT services, has announced the launch of a new dating app, named ‘Single Sign-On’.

Though technically due to launch this coming Thursday, essential maintenance work means that the app will not be available to use for a further two weeks, but this has not stopped the university from sharing details about its features.

Two notable features give users the ability to filter potential matches by employability factors, such as degree classification, and also the ability to block someone if you have reason to believe that they studied Liberal Arts.

By giving them the opportunity to find love with another underachieving loser, the university is hoping to ensure that their graduates go from being unemployed and lonely, to just unemployed.

A spokesperson for the university told The Whip, “We believe passionately in not only helping our students while they are studying at the university, but also in providing the bare minimum amount of support to those who are no longer our problem. That’s why the money to create this app has been ringfenced from the student mental health budget, and I think that stands as testament to where our priorities are at this time.”

The Whip managed to speak to Rachel Lewis, Bristol alumni and a self-confessed ‘desperate loner looking for the one’ to ask her thoughts on the app. She told our reporter that when her Briscrush failed to hit her up in 2016, despite multiple anonymous postings, Lewis truly “lost all faith in love”.

Since leaving university, and thanks to Single-Sign On, Lewis has been solidly dating someone for over 6 months. “He’s everything I’ve ever wanted”, Lewis exclaimed. “Young, fun and still living with mum. He’s an absolute dream!”

The ‘Single Sign-On’ app has been a roaring success, and the question now is what comes next for this unique service.

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