“Well, first year doesn’t count anyway” says new MP with 0% parliamentary attendance

With results day all but a distant memory, the next generations of lawmakers, debaters, and smug-smilers made their way down to Westminster for their first day of big school this week.

But reports of apathy and professional negligence already? Surely not?

The Whip’s political correspondent was saddened to overhear Ian Levy, recently elected conservative MP for Blyth Valley, flippantly informing his new colleagues that “first year doesn’t count anyway” at the House of Commons post-election piss-up.

Intrigue, our correspondent interviewed the increasingly rat-arsed Levy to find out more.

“You know mate,” sighed the MP, pausing for a light belch, “work’s only half of the equation. Let’s be real, no one comes to Westminster just to work, we want to go out and have some laughs too.”

The inebriated official continued, “My mate Jake came down here last year, and he did fuck-all work for his first year, and he still ended up as Leader of the Commons, so there’s hope for me yet.”

To gain an expert’s insight, The Whip interviewed LSE political scientist Harriet Hawthorn, who gave a rather unexpected verdict.

“We’ve had our top statisticians on the job, and we have now confirmed in our latest study that first year is indeed a doss. It doesn’t matter what the hell you do when you first arrive, you’ll get away with murder, really. Just a shame most of them never improve in the years that follow.”

Given the turmoil and tensions across the globe, it should be of great comfort to Britain that the country’s future is secure – for a year at least.