Student goes cold turkey for Boxing Day sandwich

For many, Christmas is a time to relax and reboot, with the hardest choice being between custard and cream on your mince pie.

One student however, upped the ante this holiday with a whirlwind return to meat eating.  Zachary Samphire spoke to The Whip about his lifechanging decision to quit veganism cold turkey in favour of a really exciting sandwich opportunity.

“Veganism was actually last year’s resolution” Zachary told our reporter: “Great for the planet, great for my body and a great new bragging opportunity – I was getting so sick of telling people my GCSE results.”

Things, however, didn’t go off without a hitch, with Samphire failing to kick-start his resolution until last Thursday, 352 days into the ‘new’ year.

“Better late than never, eh? And the 9A*s and an A thing felt like it had a bit more mileage” he responded.

“A few days in I was loving my new lifestyle – I’d only accidentally eaten one block of extra mature cheddar and three French hens. Christmas day itself was fine too since I was too sloshed to eat anything but roast potatoes”

“But it all went tits up when my mum started making the boxing day sandwiches. I was hanging out my arse and all I could think about were those long afternoons sat in The Hawthorns eating violently horrible wraps from Source cafe”

In that moment, Zachary made the bold decision to quit veganism for good, saying goodbye to oat and nut milks in favour of just regular milk, drinking four full pints of the stuff in one go to mark the occasion.

“I’ve finally gone cold turkey and never felt better. I’m so glad I finally listened to my body.”