Following yesterday’s shock announcement, the Duke of Sussex was found in Old Bar today trying to convince a group of first years he was just like them.
“Hey guys,” began the recently liberated royal, “don’t you just hate it when people’s parents had to pay for them to go to school? It’s so obnoxious and self-entitled and generally unfair. I believe education should be provided by the state – and whether that be a £42,000-a-year education at Eton to come out with a pretty disappointing B in Art and D in Geography, or an underfunded local comprehensive just outside of Cleethorpes that has class sizes of 45 and no sports budget – I guess that’s what people call the old postcode lottery.
“Anyway, I wouldn’t even say we were that rich,” the consummate man-of-the-people went on – sipping on large glass of house red before spitting it out under the table and throwing up a little bit in his mouth.
“We actually don’t have that much liquid wealth. Most of our money is tied up in property… and land – quite a lot of land to be fair… and art – yeah, granted, we have some nice art… Oh and jewels, yes and in a lot of stolen jewels. So yeah, as you can see none of it’s actually liquid wealth.”
When asked how he intended to hide his family wealth and privilege, the boy next door had a sure-fire response.
“I guess I’ll just do what everyone does around here: grow a shit haircut, stop showering and start smoking rollies… Oh, and buy a full set of trackies that look cheap but actually cost fourteen-hundred quid from a tailor in Savile Row.”