Reports emerged from Owens Park this weekend of a diabetic fresher who “almost went in to hyperglycaemic shock” when he realised the first week back after exams was being dedicated to Swizzels’ Refreshers sweets.
“I’m so happy, I’ve been dancing around my room all day singing ‘Sugar, Sugar’ by The Archies. I should probably get a Snickers down me actually, before I slip in to a coma,” first year James Starmer told The Whip.
“This is really great news for us diabetics. We’re forced to carry several hundred calories’ worth of chocolate bars and a whole massive kit for injecting insulin, or face collapsing in the street at any moment. It’s a bit of a pain in the arse, literally – there isn’t anywhere else left for me to inject on my body. So having easier access to a blood sugar boost is really helpful, if only for a week.”
“I can’t wait to get my hands on some of that free lemon sherbet chewy goodness.”
The University of Manchester responded to a request for comment, wishing to correct the teenager. “Refreshers’ Week is an opportunity not only for eating excessive sugar but all other types of unhealthy comestibles, and we will be aggressively marketing local fast food and drinking establishments to reflect that. Happy studying!”