Bristol UK

New succulent struggling with Dry January

“Soon as the first of Feb hits that bad boy’s getting a big old Berocca.”

Scores upon scores of students have woken up to the saddening news that their super stylish succulents have snuffed it, reported as the largest loss in greenery since the Great Skunk Drought of 2009. (#420life).

This ecological crisis is being blamed on global warming by a large proportion of the undergrad community, with many pointing at holes in the Boyzone Layer as the culprit. Leading experts in the field, who are more into Westlife really, are suggesting that the botany blight coincides with Dry Jan, and that this is the real guilty party. The Whip interviewed some green-fingered, clean-livered guys and girlies to find out.

“Might’ve taken it a bit too literally” laughed second year self-professed legend, Hal Harry-Henry. “When I do things, I do them hard. Cos I’m what? A lacrosse lad. Mate you still listening? Anyway yeh, if I’m going dry, everyone is, including my Echeveria Elegans. No fluids in this gaff mate. None. Haven’t gone for a piss in weeks -that’s how seriously I’m taking it.” His parched lips shed layers of dehydrated skin as he spoke.

“This is the only dry spell I know though, am I right fellas?” He was right. We high-fived the sexually active Chad.

“No water for me, no water for my cacti’, he clarified. “Soon as the first of Feb hits though, that bad boy’s getting a big old Berocca, cos he’s looking a bit hanging I can’t lie”.

Talking to his flatmate, Hetty Henry-Harry, we discovered another equally savvy approach.

“Well yah Dry Jan has been going like bare well. Apart from the odd sip of cava. And vermouth. And limoncello. And who can say no to a little bit of Henri IV Dudognon Heritage Cognac Grande Champagne”, she chuckled. “Anyway I’ve been giving my plants pinot grigio cos it says dry on the bottle.” It was then that we decided to leave the house, for we had learnt all that there was to learn about horticulture.

The Whip is saddened to report that since being interviewed, Hal’s succulent died in an accident after drowning in Amstel, and Hetty’s plant has since been admitted to weekly AA meetings to cope with their Echo Falls dependency. Dry January is over indeed.

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