New year, new me: student confesses to identity fraud

Variety is the spice of life.

The start of the new year is a time for reflection, bettering oneself and setting painfully optimistic targets. For those who have already slept with their ex, skipped a seminar and succumbed to Royal Park’s midweek temptations, the game is quite clearly up. Some things never change.

For one more dedicated individual, however, fraudster Felicity Whodunit, failing to succeed with ‘New Year, New Me’ has taken on increased significance. The former second year performing arts student was recently found guilty of assuming the identity of ‘poor girl who lost her purse in Wire.’

The Whip was able to catch up with Whodunit (we’re unsure if this is her real name, identity fraud is kind of confusing like that), on a visit to HM Prison Leeds.

‘Variety is the spice of life,’ began the defiant deceiver, ‘all these Tumblr idiots banging on about having the ‘right mindset’ and ‘growth’ this year are fooling themselves.

‘People watch two YouTube videos and think they’re Eric Thomas. It’s bullshit, success comes to those who steal identities.

‘You lot all reinvent yourselves at uni anyway,’ Whodunit went on, ‘those in corduroy were wearing skinny jeans and crying to Vampire Weekend five years ago, I guarantee it (our reporter denies this accusation). A sudden appreciation of electronic music isn’t enough.

‘If you’re not nicking passports and purses, I really have to question your commitment.’

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