They ask if anyone can sort them out with an E for the discotheque this weekend
They sure can’t wait to strap on their dancing shoes and get their groove on to some funky numbers at a hip and happening nightclub! If anyone could sort them out with an E, they’d really appreciate it. God, it’s been years since they touched the stuff.
Their ration book falls out of their pocket
Uh-oh! You can see that they only have one half ounce of lard to last until the end of the week! Luckily, little old Mrs Sheridan from down the road is a widower, and doesn’t need all of hers, perhaps a tuppence might persuade her to part with some…
They have persistent ‘IT issues’
Staring at their laptop with their glasses perched on the end of their nose, they tell you that this always happens, and that they aren’t very ‘tech savvy’. Will you have the heart to tell them that they’re trying to type all their seminar notes into a single cell on an Excel spreadsheet?
They offer you a Werther’s Original
They prefer the Creamy Toffees, but they always get stuck in their dentures so now they only buy the Butter Candy ones. Pass along the wrappers when you’re done, they’ll put them in the bin for you.
They’ve actually done the reading…
Not even just the main reading, they’ve even done recommended reading too, tonnes of it. They’ve got so many points to make they don’t even know where to start. Prepare to be intellectually outclassed by someone who does sudoku puzzles because they think it will stop the dementia creeping in.
They love smoking the reefer, but this grass is so much stronger than it was in their day
*Cough* *wheeze* oh yeah… *cough*, that’s strong stuff *splutter*…has anyone got a drink?
You manage to find their Facebook profile…
Their education info has them studying at the ‘University of Life’, and they’ve uploaded the same profile picture of them and their Jack Russell twelve times. One of the photos has a ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ frame superimposed on a ‘Hang Child Rapists’ frame – it’s absolutely adorable!
They ask what O-Levels you did
FYI, their favourite subjects were always Arithmetic and Woodwork. They liked Latin too, but Mr Heath was always far too willing to use the cane if there were ever any shenanigans.
Wait… is that a leather flip iPhone case?
You’re damn right it is. Inside they’ve tucked their Boots Advantage card, Nectar card and American Express credit card. This is a warning sign – a well-stocked arsenal of rewards cards and a healthy credit rating is a sure-fire indicator of a mature student. You may even have noticed them holding their phone in one hand and typing with a single finger on the other…need I say more?
They’re super, super excited for festival season – they can’t wait to see Jamie Cullum and The Killers
You might hear them talk about how much they ‘absolutely adore’ Jamie Cullum’s Radio 2 show – be suspicious – anyone whose life is organised and regimented enough so that they can tune in to the same radio show at the same time every week is not one of us.
The window of their Volvo V70 Estate car is plastered with all sorts of cool stickers
Help for Heroes, the RNLI and the National Trust…they’re so cool.