January is finally over, but with New Year’s resolutions and regional trade blocs alike crumbling to dust, it may be hard to find the positives in this dark and dingy period of the year. Whilst the knowledge that exams are a thing of the past may be a source of optimism for some, others have been left struggling to recalibrate to life without the order of a militant revision schedule.
One such individual is third year English Literature student Charlotte Hatcher, who, despite emerging from the murky chasm of Sports Hall 1 for the final time over two weeks ago, has, in a psychological sense, remained very much in the exam hall ever since.
Indeed, The Whip received reports that, at a Saturday night party on Brudenell Grove, Charlotte abruptly machine-gunned other party goers with bursts of her nine digit student ID before darting off into the night.
We spoke to one of Charlotte’s friends to understand the full extent of her condition.
‘Yeah, I mean, bit mental init? When we found her scribbling ENGL4879 on the floor of the dairy aisle in One Stop the other night, we just assumed that she was absolutely mashed, gave her one of Marlboro’s finest and called an Uber.
‘It was when we got home that we became really concerned. We came into the kitchen and found her sat upright at a worryingly perfect, robotic right angle. She had her stationery and water bottle laid out on the table with similar geometric precision, and her phone in a sandwich bag.
‘The she snatched our cans off us and started ripping off all the labels! Weird.’
The Whip eventually managed to track Charlotte down stomping around Aldi carpark clutching a handful of black biros. We attempted to check on her, but after slowing to a halt, she then spun around maniacally and announced with glazed unfocused eyes that she was ‘absolutely fine (Hatcher, 2020)’. More to follow.