Oatly releases skimmed variety for people who love the environment and hate themselves

Swedish oat-based milk substitute distributors Oatly have rattled markets yet again with a shocking new announcement. From their manifold cereal plantations comes an exciting new product – the world’s first and only skimmed oat beverage.

Oat milk drinkers everywhere can now rejoice knowing that their equally voracious cravings to save the planet and bring misery upon themselves can be satiated with one handy liquid package.

Oatly, whose name comes from the Swedish ‘Oåtenskjutsen’, which roughly translates to ‘the art of selling oats at an extortionate rate’, claim that the product – clad in the familiar mock anti-capitalist packaging – will be sure to prove a hit with would-be flagellants across the world.

Darren Hewer, regional stock and distribution manager for supermarket brand Sainsbury’s, expressed optimism for the commercial prospects of such an item:

“Finally, somebody has manufactured something capable of satisfying the twin agendas of environmentalism and self-mortification that so clearly appeal to the modern consumer. I predict that we will be shifting units. Mega units.”

A quick fact-finding trip to the Clifton Down branch suggested that Darren’s enthusiasm is wholly justified. Queues stretched out the door, and the tears of the penitent formed goopy puddles on the floor.

The news comes only weeks after meal supplement manufacturers Huel announced that they would be retailing a mildly toxic version of their own oat-based drink, designed to result in a more challenging and authentic consumer experience.

If Oatly’s rapidly climbing stock market valuations are anything to go by, all of this may herald the opening of an exciting new food and drink frontier for those who are fans of tasteless mush.