Morrisons to add gruel, bottled piss to new £3 meal deal range

Patrons of Oxford Road’s beloved Morrisons, the only affordable place to get lunch on campus if your surname is single-barrelled, experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this lunchtime when they discovered the supermarket chain had slashed the price of the meal deal from £3.50 to £3.

Broke students in the aisle were delighted to see they could now save 50p on a meal that would cost less than a third of the price to prepare at home. But delight turned to dismay when customers saw that the only edible sandwiches in the deal, from the Morrisons The Best range, had been removed, leaving buyers to choose between egg and cress, cheese and tomato or just ham. Many luxury cold drinks, such as Jimmy’s Iced Mocha Frappe Arrivederci Latte Skinny Soy Oat Mochaccino and Naked’s Blueberry Burst Acai Pumpkin Duran Duran Energy Burst Power Smoothie, had also been removed from the deal.

To combat the outrage, shop managers have agreed to expand the new offerings with the additions of gruel, freshly made in store, and bottled piss, organically sourced from the security guard’s toilet break. Students expressed relief at the new choices, grateful that they would not have to force down a chicken mayo sandwich for lunch.

Shop manager Rich Till told The Whip he had considered adding Skips to the meal deal snack range, but neglected to do so, saying “Surely no-one eats those fucking things.”