With the coronavirus hitting headlines worldwide, the lily-livered elite in Leeds have turned their attention to a more urgent and life-threatening issue, the impending doom of a non-Swiss ski holiday.
The scandalous news unfolded as a leaflet entitled “Slalom and Gomorrah” has been circulating the Charles Morris halls, dealing out the cold hard facts of the Snowriders’ trip.
The pamphlet starts with the 19-hour coach, branded the “slippery slope”, readers are advised to fashion a balaclava from their Moncler thermals to shield them from the catching the “common cold” (emphasis in original) during this “quarantine period”.
As the document’s damning indictment continues the author boldly compares the accommodation to a refugee camp – the next section entitled “from chalet to Calais”, on the basis of “literally one tiny balcony and genuinely no catered staff in sight.” The author is utterly perplexed by the bath-come-shower, described as a “horrific porcelain science project”. The whole situation dubbed “très poverty.”
For their own safety, they are advised to move in “gaggles of Canada Geese,” the infamous brand logo and its extortionate price tag aimed to “separate the elite from the naff”.
One of The Whip’s crisis-zone reporters braved the front-line, finding one bleach-blonde first-year student desperately stuffing bottles of Dom Perignon into her suitcase with a wild look in her eye. Muttering, “Iyy reeeaaalllyyyyue carrrrnt buhlieave thuyy dohnnt sulll ut aht aprehys”, before scuttling off. The Whip’s translation expert is currently working hard to decipher the statement.