Opinion: I haven’t done the reading but…

… here’s a list of all of the pointless shite I did instead.

i.) Respired. Not many people are into this hobby, but I, personally, have been quite enjoying it at the moment. A bit of the old breathe in, breathe out – nothing beats it. Put down that pathetic little Juul and give it a go sometime, you filthy vapist.

ii.) Listened to my housemates have sex. Why tune into the dampened droning of a recorded lecture, when you can can listen to an equally underwhelming cock-ophony of crash, bangs and wallops just mere inches from your head? And just like Re-Play, they seem to be stuck on half speed, the poor fuckers.

iii.) Messaged my course chat. Ha! Just kidding, only virgins do that.

iv.) Completed a Childhood Studies unit. Fancied a change in scholarly scenery, so thought I’d give this one a go. Turns out I have a real passion for the subject, though my tutor has advised me to stop talking about how much I love children in public places.

v.) Joined and got kicked off the Quidditch team. I feel like this almost counts as reading, because they wrote those books about the films, which were nowhere near as popular, but still kind of alright, I guess. Anyway, I nicked one of the player’s Yu-Gi-Oh cards and they snapped my broom in half. Tragic.

vi.) Had a wank. And cried. Quite a few times. Sometimes at the same time. Let’s not talk about this one.

vii.) Wrote this article. It seems that a great deal can be accomplished in the time that a couple of journal articles can be read. The question is, has anything I’ve done instead of perusing the pages of an arguably quite
pointless book helped to further the advances of society? The answer is a resounding no. Stop dossing around and do your work you lazy lads and ladettes – click off of this article immediately and get back to the ASS.