Uni pledges to halve student loneliness by doubling student population

In a move that has been variously described as ‘bold’, ‘innovative’ and ‘exclusively motivated by greed’, Bristol University has put forward a radical plan to tackle the growing problem of loneliness reported by students. All costly initiatives such as building more social spaces and increasing contact hours will be cancelled with immediate effect, in favour of simply increasing the student population by 100 percent.

“It’s such a simple solution, I don’t know why we hadn’t thought of it before,” remarked Geoffrey Spelt, Head of Monetising Higher Education for a Brighter Future at Bristol. “I think it’s a really brave step that can only benefit students’ mental health, not least because they will know that they attend a university whose revenue is a bit higher than it was.

“How will students fail to make more friends”, he continued, “when they’re sharing jokes about trying to find a space in a much more crowded, much more vibrant library? And with seminar sizes increased to fifty students per class, that’s just 100 per cent more potential friends. We’ve run the numbers.”

The Whip challenged Spelt on where the increased tuition fee revenue would be spent, and he reassured us that future undergraduates could look forward to a “new, state-of-the-art exam hall near the Aldi in Bedminster by 2037.”