University can’t afford to pay staff pensions; can afford big, incoherent cylinder of nonsense

Once more, University of Leeds classes will be grinding to a standstill, as lecturers are forced to strike over pension cuts. Yet the massive blue spinning object will continue to turn, its incomprehensible word salad lauded as a decent substitute for the many humanities lectures affected during this time.

The question on everyone’s lips: what IS the nonsensical gyrating tube? According to the university website, it ‘was inspired by themes of communication, collaboration, innovation and impact,’ – four words, that when put together, mean absolutely nothing. Clearly the true meaning of the Thing is far too complex to be expressed in a logical sequence of words.

Though nobody knows from whence it came, it is obvious that the humongous eyesore’s continued spinning is of tantamount importance to the future of the university.

‘If it were to stop, who knows what may happen?’ said Benjamin Wunslurp, of the Leeds governing committee. ‘We must continue to feed its hunger for electricity, lest the words begin to make sense and all wonder and mystery in the universe is lost.’

It is unfortunate that the Thing continues to bankrupt Leeds University. The pensions sacrificed for its verbose pirouettes are not in vain, The Whip has been assured. An official statement declared that the majority of staff ‘understand’ the necessity of the funding decisions made, and those who do not have yet to discover the true power of public art.

There are some detractors, however. Melissa Yarrow, a striking lecturer, claims to have read the Thing in its entirety and not be impressed. ‘It’s just a big, incoherent cylinder of nonsense, innit? All I want is to be able to retire and spend some time with my grandchildren,’ she said, philistine-istically.