Last night, the Academy put accusations of endemic sexism to rest by voting Mrs Brown, née Brendan O’Carroll, this year’s Best Actress award at Hollywood’s biggest bash.
Mrs Brown made a few homophobic remarks spiced with a handful of delightful single-entendres in a rousing acceptance speech.
“Ooh, err, Missus. Feck! Feckin’ hell. I’m quiverin like a queer havin’ a hotdog.”
This was met with uproarious applause from the assorted glitterati.
Mrs. Brown went on to dedicate her victory to “her boys”, without whom she “could never have done this. This best actress award — I move to rename it as the best boys award. For the best boys a Mammy could ever have hoped for. Ooo. Ooooooh.”
As celebrity acceptance speeches are wont to do, Mrs. Brown went on to use her platform to address pressing societal issues. She went on to take aim at “feckin’ fatties, throw a malteser on the floor and watch the ‘ungry ‘ippos go! ” and “whatchamacallit smart-phones. We live in an era of smart-phones — but feckin’ idiot people! Haha.”